A codependent romantic relationship is the one in which one’s sense of self including identity, self-worth and self-esteem comes from the approval and presence of their significant other.
Although codependency can be found in all kinds of relationships, this blog article is focused upon codependency in romantic relationships. It can be described as a dynamic where an individual is needy and overly dependent on another, gives up their own needs and identity to meet the needs of their partner. According to Scott Egleston, “Codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn’t get needs met. We’ve been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.”
Multiple studies suggest that codependent patterns are more prevalent in people who have undergone emotional/physical/sexual abuse, neglect, have dysfunctional and chaotic family environments and those who are reared in substance abuse and alcoholic systems. In such arrangements, an individual might be accustomed to tending to the needs of people around them and engaging in excessive care-taking to the point where they learn to ignore their own needs and think only of what they can do for others. It’s a form of self-sabotage and sacrificing oneself at the expense of another.
Signs you’re codependent in a relationship:
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You have a strong desire to fix/rescue/save your partner at the cost of your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.
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You’re unable to function without their validation.
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You ignore or sacrifice your own needs to meet the needs of your partner.
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You constantly wish to change or control your partner, not realizing that you’re being controlled by your own emotions in this dynamic.
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Your inner work/self-work becomes outer work due to too much focus on them.
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You learn to over-function in relationships, eventually preventing your partner from learning the needed life lessons.
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You feel drained, resentful, angry and unappreciated.
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You feel a sense of purpose in taking too much responsibility for their life.
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You go into problem-solving mode very quickly and expect your partner to follow your advice. You feel a lack of control when they don’t do what you expect them to.
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You have the disease to please.
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You have a great fear of rejection and take things personally.
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You make excuses for the bad behaviours of your partner.
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You constantly wonder why your partner doesn’t give you as much as you give them in the relationship.
Although codependency is not an illness, it can still be very dysfunctional. When you take too much responsibility for another person, you don’t let them be responsible for their own lives which can lead to stagnation of your growth and that of your partner. The journey to effectively navigate from being codependent is eventually becoming interdependent. Wearing a crown of self-abandonment and self-sacrifice to fix another would only make the journey harder.
Ways to deal with codependency:
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Be authentic and honour your needs.
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Acknowledge your own emotions.
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Have a good relationship with yourself (not leaving the relationship with yourself to be with someone else).
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Practice mindfulness and healthy detachment.
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Follow a non-rescuing approach.
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Take responsibility for your life and learn to prioritize yourself.
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Practice healthy boundaries.
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Find a hobby/activity outside of the relationship.
Importance of Professional Counseling: A friend or family member may listen to you, but they aren’t professionally, technically qualified or experienced to offer you professional advice. If you wish you can contact us at MindTribe to receive help from our team of expert psychologists.
About MindTribe.in.
MindTribe Founder Dr. Prerna Kohli, India’s eminent psychologist, established the company to leverage the strength of the online to make counseling affordable and accessible to everyone. MindTribe provides counseling, workshops, support groups, forums, and eLearning.
About the Author.
Ms. Ashi Tomar is a psychologist at MindTribe.in. You can learn more about her by clicking here
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of MindTribe.in, the Founders, or management team.
Acknowledgement: All images used are open source and from Unsplash.