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Financial incest causes severe psychological harm to children and distorts their view of money even as an adult.

Financial incest is the inappropriate involvement of minor children in parental financial matters.

Financial incest causes marring of parent-child boundaries by usage of children to complete financial needs. Due to the possibility of a different meaning being derived from the term ‘incest’, it is also called financial enmeshment. Those who show enmeshment behaviors regularly see their net worth and self esteem as being intermixed. Surprisingly, men with better earning had been much more likely to showcase those behaviors. Financial enmeshment or incest changed into surprisingly correlated with different disordered cash behaviors, consisting of compulsive buying, playing disorder, hoarding disorder, workaholism, monetary dependence and monetary enabling.

Some examples of financial incest-

  • Conversing with children about financial stress and using them as messengers to pass financial messages.

  • The parent shares inappropriate information with the child about relationship with the other partner and its effect on the household finances.

  • Parents who are being hounded by debt collectors make their kids answer the phone and act as intermediaries.

  • TMFI (too much financial information)- might explain to kids that the bank is taking the house because you failed to make payments.

  • The parent gathers them around, cry and share fears and anxiety about how they are going to take care of them now.

  • When parents make their child feel guilty about the effort they are putting in to fund his education or recreation needs.

Impact of financial incest on children-

  • According to researchers, adults who experienced financial incest as kids are likely to mete out the same treatment to their children.

  • The troubled relationship with money can show up later in adulthood in the form of insecurity, overspending, workaholism or any other money disorder.

  • Kids will often end up with very distorted and rigid beliefs around money as adults, which can lead to extreme behaviors

  • It leads to a certain level of financial insecurity and fear and anxiety around money

  • Common belief that develops is that there will never be enough money and consequently may develop hoarding behaviors

Preventing financial incest-

  • Do not make children feel guilty about the efforts put in to fund their needs

  • Do not have financial spats in front of children

  • Do not share your career setbacks with kids in a negative manner

  • Even in a divorce case, avoid blaming each other or using kids as a buffer for lack of funds

  • Do not get children to answer phone calls from debt collectors.

Right ways to talk to children about money-

  • Stat slow-  Start by simply answering your kids’ money questions at an age-appropriate level

  • Be honest- Instead of hiding your financial failures or covering it up when money is tight, tell your kids the truth. But make sure to not substitute them for therapists

  • Talk values, not numbers- your kids don’t really want (or need) to know that stuff. They need concepts like saving, budgeting, paying down debt, and giving.

  • Set family goals- As you set goals as a family, remind your kids that goals require sacrifice

  • Learn about money together- go ahead and open up about the family finances, but keep it simple.

  • Start the conversation, be honest, and teach and lead by example

Things to avoid in the money conversation-

  • Avoid a gender gap and gender based stereotyping when talking finances- talk to your daughters as much as your sons and teach both the lessons like of financial independence.

  • Don’t express overwhelming fears about money- for examole, when it comes to paying for college. Even if you are stressed out about how you’ll afford those ever-rising tuition costs, resist the urge to talk negatively about it.

  • Do not make children feel guilty about the efforts put in to fund their needs

  • Do not have financial spats in front of children

  • Do not share your career setbacks with kids in a negative manner

  • Even in a divorce case, avoid blaming each other or using kids as a buffer for lack of funds

  • Do not get children to answer phone calls from debt collectors.

Importance of Professional Counseling: A friend or family member may listen to you, but they aren’t professionally, technically qualified or experienced to offer you professional advice. If you wish you can contact us at MindTribe to receive help from our team of expert psychologists.

About MindTribe.in.

MindTribe Founder Dr. Prerna Kohli, India’s eminent psychologist, established the company to leverage the strength of the online to make counseling affordable and accessible to everyone. MindTribe provides counseling, workshops, support groups, forums, and eLearning.

About the Author.

Bhavya Gupta is a team member at MindTribe.in.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of MindTribe.in, the Founders, or management team.

Acknowledgement: All images used are open source and from Unsplash.