There may be times in our relationships when we feel like our partners are the exact opposite of how close we would like them to be. But why does this happen?
In the mid-1950s, psychiatrist John Bowlby (and later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth) introduced the Attachment Theory: the idea that our first relationship becomes the template for all our future relationships. We seek out relationships that most closely resemble these familiar early experiences. That meant if we felt safe and well looked after by our caregiver, we would tend to seek out and feel secure in our attachments as adults as well. However, it also meant if we felt unsafe and inconsistently looked after by our caregiver, we would carry those feelings of insecurity into our adult relationships. It is this insecure attachment style that we need to take a closer look at today.
Bowlby classified insecure attachment primarily into two types: Anxious (or ambivalent) and Avoidant (or dismissive). Both these types faced some form of trauma and had caregivers who could not consistently meet their needs. However, their reactions were markedly different. While the Anxious child got clingy at this threat, the Avoidant child withdrew from connecting altogether. These strategies helped the child gain a sense of control over their life. Unfortunately, these also shaped their views on relationships in general. The Anxious child became an adult who constantly seeks reassurance and attention from their partner. They feel anxious or jealous when their partner is away and depend on the relationship to provide them with a sense of self-worth. The Avoidant child became an adult who values independence to the extent of being cold and distant. They feel stifled by intimacy and fixate on minor flaws in their partners.
What makes matters more complicated for these seemingly opposite types is that they frequently find themselves drawn to each other. As mentioned above, we seek out relationships we became familiar with in childhood. For Anxious people, this means seeking a partner who appears somewhat absent and hard-to-get. For Avoidant people, this means feeling safe with a needy partner they can keep pushing away. It’s a familiar- yet toxic – cycle.
The antidote to this, like everything else, is simple awareness: the awareness that we possess these anxious or avoidant impulses. While it may be impossible to change our early experiences, we can work to resolve our trauma and weaken its grasp on us. We can communicate to our partners why we behave a certain way and deal with potential triggers before they happen. That is the sign of a truly mature relationship.
Importance of Professional Counseling: A friend or family member may listen to you, but they aren’t professionally, technically qualified or experienced to offer you professional advice. If you wish you can contact us at MindTribe to receive help from our team of expert psychologists.
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About the Author.
Pranav Arora is a psychologist at MindTribe.in. You can learn more about her by clicking here
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of MindTribe.in, the Founders, or management team.
Acknowledgement: All images used are open source and from Unsplash.